Audacity's Refugee

Even the elite badass motherf*ckin’ soldiers of the Gnomish Peoples (Legionaires) are f*ckin’ adorable in Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning. Thus because they’re incredibly adorable, by the cosmic rules of KoA:R, at some point they’re going to try to kill you. Thats how the populace of Amalur rolls. If it can make goo-goo eyes and burble it also has the capacity to end you.

I’m a little less than 30 hours into KoA:R and I really can’t stop playing. It rewards you with just enough cash, or oppurtunities to make gold, that if you didn’t invest in ways to auto heal or generator mana fast enough or find good armor/weapons you can buy it. Hell, if you put points purely into Persuasion over Blacksmithing or Alchemy or Lockpicking, then you can TALK NPCs into giving you extra cash or extra heal/mana potions or even frickin giving you some pretty damn epic weapons and armor. You really can’t build a bad character in this game considering you can reroll them at the nearest Fateweaver for a decent price. (Mind you each time you unbind your fate it costs a fair bit more).

I thought the prologue/tutorial area was the “beginning of the game”, it takes all over an hour to get through the initial story and partial explanation for your resurrection but no, it isn’t until you complete (what I thought at the time) was a substantial part of the Main Quest that you learn what you ACTUALLY have to do. The opening cinematic explains an evil immortal Fae created this nigh unstoppable Army of Corrupted Immortals (They can die like any man or woman but get resurrected a short time later and rejoin the Army’s ranks) and the evil Fae King is not only trying to conquer the lands but also wipe your character off the face of the world.

After about 50 quests and 13 or so hours into the game you learn your only allies are a drunken “Brave and the Bold Aquaman-esque” Fateweaver and a mysterious, scantily clad Dark Elf whom volunteer to help you build an army to combat the Evil Fae King.

Immediately after learning this I get my own Dark Elf to ally with the “Evil Witch” (ally meaning “Fall in Lesbians”) and take over the Immortal Good Guys club (aka the “House of Ballads”) as the self-proclaimed heroes were essentially perpetually victimizing and traumatizing the “bad guys” of the Legends they would recreate. Think of the House of Ballads as the people who won’t stop reminiscing how awesome they were in high school and at every Class Reunion they start giving the “class nerd” swirlies again or resumed picking on that one quiet girl who ate lunch with the librarian everyday.

Seriously, when a Boss-level Rock Troll begs your character for a “permanent” death so they don’t have to relive their dismemberment by two jackasses who can’t decide who the “sidekick” is in their Legend, you kinda go “hmm, this is f*cked up sh*t”.

Anywho, uhh… what else? Hmm… OH YEAH, mermaids have been forever ruined for me. There was such a sweet little side quest where you’re playing cupid/messenger for a Widower Fisherman and things just go… wrong. Like, David Lynch levels of wrong.

*Condensed Conversation Excerpt*

Fisherman: Help me! Monsters have scared off my girlfriend whom I just met. Now let me not allow you a word in edgewise as I describe her in a lustful manner. She is so beautiful, my bride-to-be. Her long dark locks of hair, her buxom features of bustiness, legs that go for fathoms, gills that I can’t wait to get freaky with, etc etc etc.

My Dark Elf: … Are you drunk? You must be drunk.

Fisherman: No no, I’m totally sober. Go save my poor mermaid bride so this old fool can die a happy man.

My Dark Elf: You are clearly drunk, but next to your poorly constructed shack was a treasure chest I looted at least 2,000 gold from, so you’re rich and you probably have more money to part with so I’m gonna… ugh… I’m gonna go murder those adorable, kind-hearted, and heroic Boggarts who are acting completely out of character by protecting you from your ugly-as-sin fiancee.

Fisherman: Thank you so much. I am so lonely and horny and possibly drunk. You don’t know how much this means to me.

My Dark Elf: About 50 miles north of this sh*tty swamp I’m the Female King of the House of Ballads but since I somehow just got engaged to an incredibly gorgeous Evil Witch of an Immortal Queen, whom has needs… expensive needs, I’m gonna need you to go scrounge up a magnificent reward.

Fisherman: Yay! I’m gonna march straight over and do just that. And by “march straight over” I mean wander into a Den of Angry 3 story-tall Bears.

My Dark Elf: Whatever.

*/Condensed Conversation Excerpt*

And that one doesn’t even break my top 20 WTF moments in KoA:R. It was just the easiest one to remember since the Boggarts were actually not being horrible. Okay maybe they were cockblocking a mermaid but dammit they were troopers about. And I rewarded them by cracking open the Earth beneath them and making it swallow them up.

So thats about it for now. I’ll share more adventures of my Lesbionic Mortal Queen of the Immortals as I progress through the game.

But Seriously, I’m the f*ckin’ King of the Badass Motherf*ckers of the Immortals and people even RECOGNIZE my new status yet STILL pull a “would you kindly…?” on my ass. NO I DO NOT WANT TO SAVE YOUR FARM FROM THE RUINS OF WAR! BUT YOU AND YOUR COMMON LAW HUSBAND ARE CUTE AS A BUTTON SO OF COURSE I WILL HELP YOU DESPITE THE FACT IT WILL UTTERLY RUIN THE CAREFULLY BALANCED ECOLOGY OF THIS HIDDEN FOREST!

*sigh*